Did I miss my Hoverboard Delivery?

Been one heck of a year. Not only was it the year Marty McFly went to the future (we did get some cool things coming true, and technology advanced), but a lot of things have happened to me. Some good, some bad, some neutral, some revelations. This was the first year I went to my first Comic con~

For me, this was the year I found myself in destructive cycles, and I had been in denial for some of it. I rejected change, even though I should and needed to, for better.

It can be hard to remember when a destructive cycle starts (or it can be easy to remember, depending on people). Maybe it was planted years ago by a bad habit and it escalated. Maybe it started only moments ago.

But for me, I’ve been in and out of destructive cycles, and that resulted in several bad moments for me, and a suspension  from university for a year (I can return this summer, but I’m gonna enlist in the fall). My adviser recommended that I should undergo a psychology assessment, and I did during the summer. It confirmed that I have moderate Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent Episode.

It’s not a chemical depression in that I need medication, but this is the kind that I have negative thoughts and emotions. This is a destructive cycle, and there are moments I’ve fed it, and let it overwhelm me. Sometimes it resulted in a blanket of sad thoughts and a sort of “tense” discomfort, and some times, combined with stress and anxiousness, I’d have an intense moment: tears filling up, throat closing, red nose and eyes, crying, and having a hard time trying to breathe calmly. I’ve had one recently, on Sunday Dec. 20^th, and what I’ve done was, after a talk with my parents, to have a cup of tea, sit outside in the backyard deck with pencil and paper, and listen to some uplifting Owl City songs. After about over a half hour, I felt a little better. Still felt tense for the rest of the day, but that day I had realized I needed to make changes.

After a week of Christmas (gift-making and Christmas dinner) and after Christmas Day (lower key than usual because both my parents were sick), I decided to be on the starting pages of Change.

There was no fanfare, no sudden ‘voice of God’ moment, just a quiet moment of change within the self. It was a moment of “I’ve had enough.” (which IS worthy of an epic score, if there were a movie about my life, haha)

Actually, about a month ago, during November, my sister read a copy of my assessment report, and she recommended for me to write a journal entry at the end of the day, just before bed. Not a diary, more of a review of emotions that had happened, why they happened, and some thoughts I’ve had. I’m still at it.

And it helped me recognized some mistakes I’ve made, and what changes I can make. One promise I made was to do a watercolour painting bi-weekly. After I had taken some weekly classes for about two months earlier, I realized how much I enjoyed the activity. So far I was able to make 3 watercolour landscape paintings to give to my godparents, my mentor friend, and my mom. So that’s something I started with, and then I could bump it up to weekly, who knows.

Another thing/goal I’m going to do is to reduce the amount of laptop entertainment time. That’s a problem I have a hard time facing and breaking, because it’s a pleasure habit. And it sucks up my time that I could use it to do digital works and actually post online. And it’s a daily problem.

So that’s my goal: No social media websites and online games until I’ve done at least an hour of digital work. This habit had been tough to admit, and tough to break, but I can do it. I have plenty of projects to do, plenty to share.

Which brings me to a recommended site: Habitica.com. This thing helped a lot when I use it. Before, I hardly have fruit per week, and I’d have snacks at the vending machines at work a few times a week. Now I’m eating a fruit everyday, and I passed the vending machines at work without stopping (although I did once, because I was hungry). This is a small thing, but it works. It took some maneuvering, but after looking at samples on its wikia page, and on Wikipedia, and after a few days, Habitica helps. I recommend taking a look.

Also, here’s a webcomic mention: Entanglement by Shinavar. Not only has it reached its first anniversary, it’s the bomb. Has a lot of cool characters and an intriguing world. Check it out.

Have a good one, guys. Here's to a good year!